Nothing would taste as good as skinny feels
by StellSkins123
Summary: Abi Branning had always been happy, bubbly girl, so what happens when the effects of her life end up with her doing some drastic things due to her not feeling good enough, and due to her heart break, and what would Jay think when he sees what Abi has been doing to herself? Please read, review and favorite. This is my first story, and I hope you enjoy it! Maybe a two shot or longer.
1. Chapter 1

As she got off the tube, Abi slung her bag over her shoulder, in her spare hand she held her lunch box which she had been forced to prepare that morning in front of Ben and Jay. Opening the lid, she emptied its contents into the nearby bin, all of them had remained untouched. Of course, it hadn't always been like this. Abi hadn't always had trouble with food, but that all changed a few months back, everything had completely gone down hill, her father had been having an affair with Lucy Beale of all people, a girl not much older than herself, who was the same age as Lauren. This had made her completely sick to her stomach, and even then after all of that, things between her and Jay began to fail and start to go wrong, but it wasn't on her part. He started to look elsewhere and even though she tried to deny the signs over and over again, it took Ben coming back to open her eyes to it all - Jay was in love with Lola. Lola, her best friend.

To say it was a kick in the teeth was an understatement, she felt completely heartbroken when they had finished, Jay was her first love, and she loved him more than anything. To make matters worse on the very day they had finished, she had ran over her dog in the car by accident, poor Tramp was gone and she was partly to blame, if not fully. Her and Ben had been closer than she had ever though in months following that, and they had ended up in a relationship, but despite people telling her that he was gay, she hadn't wanted to break up with him, in all honesty, she didn't want to be alone.

Her trouble with food had started after her and Jay finished, at first she'd skip a meal, soon enough, she found herself researching drastic weight loss and comparing her body to those of celebrities, to models, to Lola. Her body compared to Lola, made her feel even worse. Lola had, had a baby, and she was in better shape than her. That was when she had decided; she, Abi Branning was gonna make a change. She wouldn't be fat anymore. She would be someone, boys wanted. She would be pretty and she would feel better in her own skin.

No matter how hard she dieted, nothing worked quick enough, sure she lost five pounds, and her size 12 jeans were starting to slip down when she walked. But it wasn't enough. It never would be. Using her bank card, she ordered weight loss tablets off amazon, along with Laxatives. She had heard from Bernadette while they were still in school that a woman lost 3 stone just from using laxatives as the body doesn't have time to absorb the carbs of the food you've eaten. Abi skipped meals, limiting herself to just 500 calories a day, and that was just bran flakes, which was like eating cardboard, along with porridge. But it was worth it, because nothing would taste as good as skinny feels.

She began to drink water constantly, and went for a run twice a day, joined a gym and it all began to pay off, because she started to see results, her body was changing, she could feel her ribs, and she didn't see that this was alarming. Her collarbones stuck out and she didn't have a lot of energy most of the time.

As she got back to the house, she opened up the Mitchell's back door, stepping inside, she removed the earphones out of her ears, slinging them in the bag and looking around.

"Hello? Anyone in?" She called out, she heard a faint call back.

"Up here."

She knew straight away that it was Jay, Ben must either be up there with him or he was out. A smile lit up her lips.

As much as she enjoyed Ben's company, he wasn't Jay and he never would be, but he did make her smile, even if she knew he was gay.

Hanging her coat up, and her bag on the banister of the stairs, she steadied herself, a head rush coming on and making her feel slightly dizzy. She breathed quickly through her nose and tried to calm down so it would pass. It was a result of not much food intake, but she was so used to it by now. Walking up the stairs, she walked toward Jay's room, sticking her head around the door, she came face to face with Jay, who seemed to be enjoying playing the xbox.

"Alr'ght? Where's Ben?" She asked, her eyebrow raising as she looked around the room but found no trace of her boyfriend.

"Gone out with Phil, and then they're gonna get some chips for dinner for us all, you hungry? ...How was work?" Jay questioned, he briefly took his eyes off the screen, but she was glad of that.

She had to refrain from her eyes widening. Not chips, she couldn't eat carbs, not today after she was doing so well. A size 8 was starting to get big on her, of course she hid it with clothes that were big on her just in case anyone got suspicious.

"No, no, I had a roll from Greggs on the way home from town. Thanks anyway though. Work was alright. A bit slow, but good I guess." She paused for a second, knowing she was gonna get changed for a run. "I'm gonna jump in the shower, if you need to use the toilet, knock and let me know it's you coming into the bathroom." She didn't mind him going into the bathroom because he'd seen all of her before when they dated, and the shower wasn't seen through, so it wasn't like he could actually see her full body. But it wasn't like he hadn't seen her body before. Of course, she looked a lot different now.

"... Okay, no worries, Abs."

Her heart skipped a beat when she heard him call her 'Abs', he hadn't called her that in so long, it had just been Abi, or he had avoided talking to her all together because of the awkwardness.

She gave him a smile, which she was surprised he retured, before walking into her and Ben's room, she shut the door slightly, leaving it ajar without realizing. She pulled her top over her head, placing it onto the bed along with her skirt and tights which she slipped off, so she was left in just her black bra and underwear. She looked at her body, her eyes scanning over her stomach, and legs, it was visible that she had lost weight, but she couldn't see it herself, in fact she couldn't see how dramatic her weight loss actually was. She still had her C cup boobs, but she was losing the girth of her behind and her legs.

"Hey, Abs, have you seen that DVD, me, you and B-" She jumped, trying to scramble to grab something to cover her body out of instinct, but it was too late, Jay was already by the door, and he apparently had already seen her body. It was too late.

"Bloody hell, Abs. You're tiny." He murmured, his voice quiet, like he was trying to process this. His eyes were wide. "What have you been doing to yourself?"

Now she had really done it.


	2. Chapter 2: Denying the obvious

I hope you all enjoyed the last chapter! I want to thank the guests for reviewing, and also lovelikeher, whom I'm a huge fan of since I follow her Jabi fic myself. So everyone go check out her story, 'Baby Blues.' It's amazing! Please give me some ideas for the chapter after this because I totally struggled in this chapter, please keep reviewing because without them I don't feel like I'm doing good enough.

Anyway, a little introduction. I'm Essy/Stell. I hope you love the story, please please please, leave a review or two before I update for chapter 3.

As his questions and remark hit her, Abi froze, she didn't know what to say because nobody had asked her that question before. _What was she doing to herself?_ She was just making sure she was healthy for her future, _wasn't she?_ There was nothing wrong with that. But it was like Jay was accusing her of doing something bad to herself, was he going to say there was something wrong with her?

"What do you mean, Jay? I've just lost weight that's all. I've been going to the gym, and going for runs and cutting down on sugary stuff." She commented, her face becoming a demeanor of shock. Her mind quickly began to go over things, sure she wasn't eating as much fattening foods anymore, but surely there was nothing wrong with that, and as for her eating Bran Flakes, she knew a lot of people did that stupid special K diet, all the time, so what was the difference? Wasn't she allowed to better herself and change things about herself? That was what life was about, wasn't it?

"Abs, there's dieting and then... there's that." Jay paused, his face a mask of horror and worry, he just wanted to help her, but Abi couldn't see it like that. When people commented on her, and tried to help, it just felt like they were intruding, and trying to stop the success she was having. "Abi, I can see your ribs, and your collarbones are sticking out. Abs, I'm saying this to help you. I promise, you're like a skeleton."

Abi looked over at him with confused eyes, her orbs scanning his face. _Why was he lying to her?_ She was huge, she had so much more weight to lose, she was chubby and her legs were like tree trunks. She was sick at the sight of herself. "Why are you lying to me? Have you seen me, Jay? I'm huge. This isn't up for discussion okay. I'm dieting and that's it." She commented, her tone getting adamant toward the end, walking past him, she moved into the bathroom, grabbing a towel from the airing cupboard on her way there, and then shut the door, sitting on the edge of the bath, her mind began to parachute itself in to the memories that tortured her constantly.

While she was still in college, she remembered walking in on a conversation with her friends, where Bernadette was showing them some clothes she picked up in town on her way into lessons. Abi didn't realize she was interrupting but made her way over anyway.

 _ **June 2013**_.

"Hi girls." She murmured, they all muttered a hello before going back to talking about the clothes, Bernadette turned to Abi, showing her the new sparkly over the shoulder green dress.

"Do you like it, Abi? I thought it would set my skin tone right off, it's beautiful in't?" The girl gushed excitedly to her friend, flashing the bright green fabric in her face.

"Yeah it's beautiful, I totally want to borrow that off you sometime, 'dette." Abi smiled, as she looked at her friend, but surely enough, she saw her friends face fall, and she felt her face become an exterior of confusion. What was wrong?

"Oh you can't, Abs."

"Why not?" She questioned, her hands moving over her chest in annoyance, she was always lending Bernadette her things, from DVDs, to shoes, even her disco pants, that Bernadette had just missed in the sale. So why on earth couldn't she borrow this dress?

"It's a size six Abi, it wouldn't go near you."

As soon as those words left her friends lips, she felt herself go rigid, she simply muttered an 'Oh', and left it at that, she suddenly felt like she was ginormous, like she was repulsive, that her friend could actually say something like that, had she been thinking that the whole time they were friends?

"Abs, don't take it like that, I just mean you have a big more to love than the rest of us. You are wider boned aren't ya?" She muttered, stumbling over her words, trying to make sure her friend didn't take it the wrong way, but it was too late for that, Abi had already began hating herself, and felt sick to her stomach.

"No, I get it. It's fine." Her voice wavered, "I have to get to class." She waved and walked off. That was one of the first times, Abi had wanted to be someone else. She had wanted to be skinny and having prominent cheekbones like Bernadette, or be able to walk with a crop top on, or with short shorts. But it would never happen if she didn't make a change. She wanted perfection.

 _ **Present day.**_

Abi had never done anything about it back then because she was still with Jay and he had said she was perfect, and that she was the only one for him and she had believed him, but that surely hadn't been true had it? Because look at where they were at now. He wanted Lola, Lola who was perfect, and skinny even though she had been pregnant and had, had her stomach stretched to hold baby Lexi.

Pulling off her bra and knickers, placed them on the radiator along with her folded towels. Stepping into the shower, she washed herself, and began to wash her hair. She struggled remain upright as her whole body felt weak, but that was the same all the time, because she was limiting herself to so little calories, that her body struggled to adjust to it. But she couldn't let herself go back to how she was, she was striving for perfection, she would be small and she would look how all those beautiful celebrities look who could pull of any outfit.

It had always been, _Abi's just a little bit chubby, she'll lose it._ Or _Abi's got more to love, it's just puppy fat, it'll fall off when she reaches her teens._ But it didn't. She had been disgusting, and ugly and that's why she lost her boyfriend to her best friend and she was left alone.

After her shower, she pulled the towel around her thin body and a towel around her hair, and walked out of the bathroom, and into her room where she dried her hair and changed into her running clothes.

She began to walk toward the stairs before hearing someone follow her, the footsteps being very evident, and she groaned, her hand moving to push her hair out of her face. She turned around, coming face to face with Jay who wasted no time in quizzing her.

"Why are you doing this, Abi? Tell me?" He urged, waiting for an answer, but she wasn't gonna tell him something that would make him think something was wrong with her. "You were fine the way you were, you were beautiful Abs, you were perfect. Please talk to me."

"You're lying to me, stop fucking lying to me Jay. If I was so perfect you wouldn't have left me because you fell for Lola, now would you? Considering I was the only one you wanted, you lied. So don't bullshit me." She turned away from him, running down the stairs and heading for the door, even though he was hot on her heels. Her hand reached for the door handle to leave before she was stopped by Jay.

"You are perfect to me, Abs. You always have been, I ain' a liar, and you know that." He tried to convince her, but she wasn't having any of it, she just wanted to get away from all the scrutiny.

He pushed her against the wall and his lips found hers, and a groan left her lips at how nice the kiss felt after the absence of his lips on her own for so long, how could he kiss her after so long? He didn't want her.

After he pulled away from the heated moment, he looked her in the eyes before he spoke, his hand stroking her cheek.

"I made a mistake back then on Phil's wedding day, Abs, let me help you."

But as quick as she let her guard down she pulled it back up, her face emotionless. She couldn't break. That was what her demons wanted, that was what Jay wanted, so he could worm his way in and she'd get fatter again. No, she had to stay on top of her game.

"I don't need any help."

Was all she said simply before she pushed past him, and walked out, taking off running, leaving him stood there with a blank expression.

But Abi needed Jay more than she cared to admit, she just believed she needed to be skinny more.


	3. Chapter 3: Jay's battle with his mind

First off, let me thank the lovely **Lovelikeher** for being so incredibly sweet to me, and helping me out with this chapter by talking to me about ideas. I can't thank her enough for helping me out. She's so sweet, and everyone should keep reading her story 'Baby Blues', and keep reviewing! Because she's a huge talent. Also, I wanna thank everyone for their favorites, and for them following and the reviews. Please keep reviewing! It's what pushes me to keep updating. KEEP REVIEWING PLEASE!

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Jay's POV.

So far the day for Jay had gone slow, he'd spent it at the arches, where he was working on a beat down Ford Mondeo while Ben sat there twiddling his thumbs. Ben had really started to piss him off lately, not only was he with Abi, his ex, but he was acting like he owned the place, he was messing the poor girl around, when he was gay. It was annoying, and to be honest, Jay didn't like the fact that eventually Abi would get hurt, and Ben wouldn't care, because all she was, was her beard. She didn't mean anything to him. As his shift came to an end, Phil had came in and told them they were free to go, and him and Ben left to sort some job with one of Phils mates, and said they'd be back later with chips for dinner.

Walking from the Arches, Jay texted Lola, asking how Lexi was since he hadn't seen them in a while, things between him and Lola were complicated, of course he was attracted to her, and his mind was all over the place, he didn't know what he wanted anymore. He missed what he and Abi had. He had liked Lola, but he didn't realize what he had let go with Abi, he liked the place they were both in now, they were back to being friends. He loved when she turned to him and smiled. His walk home went quick, and before he knew it he had spent an hour on the xbox playing Fifa, when the backdoor shut and a voice called up.

"Hello? Anyone in?"

He knew it was Abi, so he replied quickly not wanting to lose concentration on the game since he was playing live on the internet, and he was ranking high on the Fifa charts.

"Up here." He called out, his blue orbs boring into the television in his room, hearing the footsteps, he saw Abi's head move around the door in the corner of his eye, and as the game came to a close, he looked at her.

"Alr'ght? Where's Ben?" He heard her inquire, her voice curious, as he eyes scanned around the room, and he wondered if she really did want to see Ben or was it all just an act. He didn't like to see how blinded she was by him, how he was lying to her, when he was clearly gay.

"Gone out with Phil, and then they're gonna get some chips for dinner for us all, you hungry?... How was work?" He questioned, his blue eyes looked up to hers briefly, before they moved back to the television.

"No, no, I had a roll from Greggs on the way home from town. Thanks anyway though. Work was alright. A bit slow, but good I guess." He nodded along with her, his eyes still on the game as he set up the next step in the career process of the game. "I'm gonna jump in the shower, if you need to use the toilet, knock and let me know it's you coming into the toilet." Jay knew that there was no need him waiting to use the toilet because they had already seen all of eachother, and it was no big deal. She had used the toilet when he had been in the shower too.

"... Okay, no worries Abs." He murmured.

Letting his eyes scan over to her, he saw her smile, and he saw her eyes light up, and in the past few weeks, that hadn't happened, he hadn't seen her smile like that in so long, it made his lips tug up into a smile too, without him realizing, he loved seeing her smile. She deserved to smile, Abi deserved all the happiness in the world.

When she left, he started the next game before realizing he forgot to ask her for the movie they had watched with Ben a few nights previously, he shot up off his bed, walking briskly down the hall toward the room Abi and Ben shared currently.

"Hey, Abs, have you seen that DVD, me you, and B-" He opened the door that was ajar, before cutting off on what he was saying as he saw Abi, stood there in just a bra and underwear, after all the time he spent with her and all the time they dated, he could remember her body like it was yesterday. But the body that was before him wasn't the one he remembered. No, it was skeletal, she was at least 3 stone lighter, and it didn't look right, and Jay wanted to slap himself repeatedly in the face because he hadn't noticed this sooner. What was happening to the girl? Why was her shoulder blades sticking out, she wasn't stick thin, but she wasn't far off, she would be nothing but bones eventually. Her legs had lost all the weight they had, and soon they'd be like match sticks. He felt sick. Was this because of everything they'd been through? What had made her do this?

Abi jumped at his voice and tried to grab something but it was too late, and he couldn't help himself as the words left his lips.

"Bloody hell, Abs. You're tiny." He managed, his voice was just above a whisper, he would have been surprised if she actually heard her. His eyes widening as he looked all over her body, he couldn't believe how small she had gone, something was **seriously** wrong here. "What have you been doing to yourself?"

His eyes scanned over her face and he watched as his questions registered with her, and how she physically froze, he knew that she realized he'd noticed her weight loss.

"What do you mean, Jay? I've just lost weight that's all. I've been going to the gym, and going for runs and cutting down on sugary stuff."

Jay could see that she was shocked, it was written all over the Branning girl's face. He had to make her see sense, he wouldn't let her do this to herself, he had to help her. She meant a lot to him. Despite all their arguments, and everything that happened, he needed to make her see that she was beautiful.

"Abs, there's dieting and then... there's that." He paused for a moment, trying to think all this over in his head, trying to figure out what he could say, what he could say to make her see sense and change this. "Abi, I can see your ribs, and your collarbones are sticking out. Abs, I'm saying this to help you. I promise, you're like a skeleton."

All the words were true, she would end up killing herself and Jay couldn't live without her in his life, he had been a dickhead in the past, and he had hurt her deeply, but she meant the world to him, she always had. Why hadn't he noticed this? Because he had been walking around with his eyes shut. He had been avoiding Abi and Ben at all costs, he had been running after Lola for her affections.

"Why are you lying to me? Have you seen me, Jay? I'm huge. This isn't up for discussion okay. I'm dieting and that's it." He knew that she was getting angry now because he was sticking his nose in her business but it was all to help her. He started to think of a reply but she pushed past him, and stalked into the bathroom slamming the door behind her.

"You've always been perfect to me." He whispered, too quiet for her to hear and mainly spoken to himself, he didn't have the courage to tell her all this. He would love to have the happiness him and Abi had before back, but he didn't want to risk hurting her again.

While Abi was in the shower, all Jay could do was pace back and forth his bedroom, his mind thinking over what he could do. What could he do to help her? How could he make her see what she was doing to herself?

Should he tell Max, or Tanya? Or would that push her away further? Maybe Lauren could help and could skype Abi from New Zealand? Or he could find some help from a psychologist for her? He was so stuck, he couldn't help her because she didn't want him too. He couldn't let her keep doing this to herself because eventually if she kept at it she'd become nothing but a memory.

The time she was in the shower felt like forever, but when she eventually emerged from her bedroom, dressed and dry, he shot up after her. His eyes scanned and saw she was in her running clothes. She was at it again and it made him sick. If they had still been in a relationship this would never have happened, he believed that to his very core. He could have fixed her, he could have made her whole again. He could have helped her put her broken pieces back together again. He needed an answer on why she was doing this to herself. Then maybe he could find ways to help her.

"Why are you doing this to yourself, Abi? Tell me?" He urged her, needing an answer. He wouldn't let this go, he couldn't. But as she looked at him, he knew she wasn't going to let up easy and spill all her secrets to him. He was chasing a losing battle. "You were fine the way you were, you were beautiful Abs, you were perfect. Please talk to me." He pleaded, spilling the truth to her, and just hoping she would open up to him was all he could do, he just needed her to know how beautiful she truly was inside and out.

"You're lying to me, stop fucking lying to me Jay. If I was so perfect then you wouldn't have left me because you fell for Lola, now would you? Considering I was all you wanted, you lied. So don't bullshit me." It all then became abundantly clear to him, he had caused this by chosing her bestfriend over her, he had made her feel unwanted and ugly and fat after telling her he loved her and she was the only one for him. He was responsible and he couldn't feel any worse about it. What a dickhead. As she began to run away down the stairs from him, he followed and grabbed her hand, to try and stop her from opening the door.

"You are perfect to me, Abs. You always have been, I ain' a liar, and you know that." His blue eyes looked into her hazel ones, and he tried his best to make her see that he was telling the truth. If there was one thing Jay Mitchell was, he was honest. He didn't lie.

Before he knew what he was doing, he pushed her against the wall softly, and pressed his body against hers, and his lips locked to herself, and the kiss felt so right. His hand stroked her cheek, as shivers went up his spine. Hearing her groan into the kiss, he knew she liked it, he knew she missed him just as much as he missed her. Right now in that moment, he wanted her back more than anything. Pulling back from the kiss, his blue eyes searched hers, as he let his hand stroke her cheek softly.

"I made a mistake back then on Phils wedding day, Abs, let me help you."

All the emotion drained from her face and he could see she had put the mask back up, the guard from him. The wall from her emotions was in place and he was back to square one.

"I don't need any help." She ground out and before he could respond, she ran out the door, and he was left there, his mind all over the place. Bringing his hand back he punched the wall.

 _"You stupid prick Jay."_ He cursed at himself, how could he be so fucking stupid? If he had just been a good boyfriend none of this would have happened.

His mind went back to a simpler time, when he was happy with Abi. He couldn't help but think of how easy it was back then, and his mind just kept thinking over and over one thing he had said to her.

 _ **"All I want, my girlfriend to be, is**_ _ **you**_ _ **."**_

And right now, that was all he did want, he wanted her back, happy, healthy and his.

But he had no clue where to start.


	4. Chapter 4 - Me and you against the world

I just want to thank everyone for the reviews, my inspiration for this chapter was not only the help from **lovelikeher** and her continued support of my story, but the songs Clarity - Zedd, and Skinny by Edith Backlund. These two songs are so helpful and totally helped me get through my writers block. Clarity by Zedd reminded me of my dear Jabi and how Abi wants to break away from her feelings for him, but is struggling. And Skinny by Edith Backlund is how Abi feels about herself. Please check out Baby Blues by lovelikeher, and keep reviewing this story! I need your reviews as they keep me writing and make me more confident about my writing. Thanks a lot. Essy. x

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A few days had passed since Jay had found out about Abi's weight loss, and since then she had made sure she was out most of the time so she didn't have to bump into Jay. Not only did she feel awkward now because he kept on about her weight loss, but they had kissed, she was with Ben, and that's classed as she cheating because she enjoyed it, she kissed him back, and that was wrong. If she wanted to fool around then she shouldn't be in a relationship. She wasn't someone who would sleep around, she didn't want to be branded a slut. She hadn't slept with Ben in that sense, things hadn't gone that far between them, he had tried to take thing further, but she hadn't been comfortable. She had told him that she wasn't ready, and he had been in a huff with her, but she didn't care.

She hadn't seen Jay much at all, she had passed the arches on her way home from work yesterday and he called her, but she sped up, walking away, her head down. She had made sure when he finished work that she was out for a run and her gym session.

She had felt her mind going over everything as she sat at the table in the Mitchell house hold, eating her branflakes and drinking a bottle of water. It was her day off from the vets, she had asked could she work today just to be out of the house and away from everyone but they didn't need her today and her boss had insisted she take a day off because she was overworking herself. **If only he knew.**

Standing up, she carried her bowl and the water to the kitchen where she emptied the bowl of what was left which was the majority of her food, she had, had a few spoonfuls of the cereal but she wasn't hungry, the water had filled her up. Since she was dressed in her work out gear, she decided what was the point in letting it go to waste? She washed her dishes and strolled out the back door, to the street where she started to jog lightly past the vic, her speed picking up as she ran past the park and the arches, her eyes scanned the doors confused. It was closed, that means Ben and Jay must of finished work, which was strange as it was just 11 o clock in the morning. Her stomach began to growl as she ran, she didn't need food though. She couldn't want food. She was doing so well, she was losing weight, and she was doing great.

"Come on, Abi. Don't let it win. You have to keep fighting." She muttered to herself. She felt like her demons were winning like they were speaking to her. Maybe it was also the lack of food. Lately she was struggling a lot more, avoiding meal times, and keeping herself strong. Abi had made a promise to herself one day, that promise being "Soon I'll be thinner than all of you, even Lola. And then I'll be the winner." She swore this to herself because being thinner would be a winner.

 **"You aren't running** **fast** **enough."**

 **"Look at the size of your legs, talk about tree trunks."**

 **"Look at the hippopotamus, scratch that, the** _ **Abipotamus**_ **."**

Her demons were what tortured her, but it was like she was losing her mind because all these people didn't exist to say this, it was her mind, her mind torturing herself, her inner insecurities working to make her lose it. To make her keep the weight off and keep up the starvation.

After a thirty minute run, she ran back toward the house, passing McKlunkys on her way back, her mind was spinning, and she could hear someone calling her, but she felt a little bit whoozy. Her hands gripped the bars by the park, and the Arches, as she took a gulp full of water. She felt lightheaded. But she was used to it, she had to be, to keep this up, she had to push through these things. She was strong. Look how strong she was being. But truthfully she wasn't strong because she was denying herself the main fuel for her life, food. But being thin and not eating were signs of true will power and success, weren't they? Her body was aching, and she couldn't even sit still for long without her legs going dead and achy. She fainted the day before yesterday two while at the bottom of the stairs, and thankfully nobody was home, because she had fallen and smacked her back on her the banister, resulting in a disgustingly purple smudge of a bruise.

Hearing the person call her name again, she turned to see Jay, her eyes rolled and she tried to move off to run away but she didn't have the energy, she sighed when he came closer.

"Abs, you're avoiding me, aren't you?" He questioned, his eyes on hers, he let his orbs search her face, trying to see some sort of expression in there.

"Look Jay-... I'm exhausted of this whole conversation. I've told you, I don't need help. I really don't need... I don't..." She zoned off, her head was spinning, her hands gripped the bar harder, she felt like she was going to collapse again and she was breathing so quickly through her nose and mouth. In and out. In and out.

But it wasn't working.

"Abs?" Jay called her, but his voice felt far away, it felt like she was underwater, like she was in a secluded bubble. There was nothing focused in her eyes. It was like everything around her was moving erratically. She tried to keep herself upright. Her hazel orbs tried scanning for Jay's face, but it wasn't working. Her eyes began to roll back into her head as her legs went from under her. She caught her head as she went down, but Jay caught her. She was out cold. Blackness was all she knew.

When she finally came around, she let her eyes focus, and her hand went to her head which was throbbing, and she groaned. She heard someone coming up the stairs, and she looked around at her surroundings. Abi was in Jay's room. He must have carried her all the way from the park to his house, _what if someone had saw? What if her dad knew?_ **Oh god.**

She couldn't get the worries out of her head as she saw Jay enter the room with a glass of water for her, and she thanked her lucky stars that it wasn't a cuppa, because she didn't want the excess sugar, going straight to her stomach or her legs. She believed that **you could never be too thin**. It had started off as a harmless diet for her to lose a little bit of weight and now she was almost a bag of bones, but she just didn't know how to stop.

"Abs, you're seriously ill." Her head snapped up to look at Jay as he spoke, her hazel eyes scanning his, and as she did, tears began to well up in her eyes, and they began to slowly roll down her cheeks.

"I don't want to be fat anymore Jay, I just want to be good enough, for once in my life." Her voice was thick from the crying, but Abi didn't care because she was finally going to open up about her feelings, even if it was hard. "I just want to matter."

Jay shook his head and took her hand, his blue orbs looking to hers, and her sighed. "I know this is my fault, Abi. I caused all of this, with all the Lola drama, I made you hate yourself. I'm sorry."

"But you didn't. It's not just our relationship that caused all of this Jay, it's everything. Everything has bubbled to the top and everything has built up. Mum's cancer, losing Bradley, all the affairs dad had, losing you, and just genuinely my size. I just needed control. I just didn't want to be-... I just didn't want to be me anymore."

Abi wiped her tears from her eyes, quickly and looked down feeling ashamed of herself, even though she was talking about her feelings, part of her didn't want to start eating again, she also didn't know how to start eating again. Wasn't that strange? It was like she was a newborn baby again, and back taking little steps and getting older. How mad was that?

"No matter how thin you get, no matter how short you cut your hair or how much make you wear. It's always going to be you underneath, Abs. No amount of starvation can change that. You are who you are, and I think you're pretty fucking awesome." He commented, and Abi let herself smile for a moment, but more tears rolled down her cheeks.

Her problem was that he had already finished her once, for someone else, and if they did ever get back together, if she got better how could she guarantee that he wouldn't do it again, and again. She was afraid of rejection, of the hurt, that's why she starved herself along with the other multiple reasons. It gave her the control of her life that she needed.

Abi hated how being the way she was felt, but she didn't think she needed help, she believed she had it under control, but it couldn't be farther from the truth. The problem was that what she had was a illness of her mind, and she was constantly over analyzing everything, from the way someone looked at her, to the calories she ate which she constantly counted. She would over analyze the weight on the scales. She couldn't stop. It was like she also suffered from OCD.

Her mind would constantly go back to when her and Jay lost their virginity where he had told her how beautiful she was, and that he loved her for her, and then her mind would flash to how he loved Lola and him finishing her, and it was like these two memories would have a battle and the most recent heartbreaking one would win and she'd drop a few more calories from her next meal, just to punish herself for not being good enough, just to make sure she lost a little more inches from her waist. _Skinny is perfection_ in her eyes.

"I know but I'm too afraid to stop, I want to be healthy but I feel like I want this more." She whispered. "I don't know how to stop."

"One day at a time, eh? I'll help you. Just please promise me you're gonna get better, Abs. I need you to get better because I don't think I could live around here if good ol' branningflakes isn't around." He commented, a smile on his face, and tears began to well up in his eyes. "I made a huge mistake, Abs. And I'm scared for you now, I'm scared you're gonna to do something stupid and make yourself ill, because I've seen how all this goes, I've seen those documentaries on the tv, and people die. You're too good to die. I love you, Abi. I made a stupid mistake and I'm sorry. I love you too much to see you hurt yourself like this." Jay paused for a moment and wiped the few tears from his cheeks, he was actually petrified of losing her, because he had already lost his dad and Abi meant the world to him, it had taken him being a pratt to see that. "Let me help you, what can I do to help you?"

"You can hold me." Abi breathed out, tears leaving her eyes at an alarming rate and that's what Jay done. He got on to the bed with her, and brought her close in his arms and for the first time in months, it felt like she was safe. She felt like she was home, and it was right and for once, Jay also felt like he had found his home. He was wrong on Phil's wedding day, it wasn't the end for him and Abi. It was just the beginning.

"I love you, Jay. I always have." Left Abi's lips.

"I know. We'll get through this, me and you. Us against the world, in't?" He said nudging her softly, and she smiled. "Yeah. Us against the world." She repeated.

But the thought of finally facing her problem terrified not only her but Jay too, where could they begin.

Jay was the person Abi could never block out, her was the one she would always love, he was the person who stuck in her mind indefinitely. As much as she had tried to tell herself she didn't want or need him, it was horrible and hard without him as her boyfriend or her friend. He was too valueable to her.

 _ **Cause you are the piece of me, I wish I didn't need. If our love, is tragedy why are you my remedy, if our love's insanity why are you my clarity?**_

Surely the only way for them would be up now.

If only it were **that** easy.


End file.
